Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
