I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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