allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
