bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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