What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
