Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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