Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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