I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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