I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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