Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
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She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
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I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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