All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
