You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
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I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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