I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
