just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
