you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
