Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
