your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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