I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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