by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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