put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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