Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
