You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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