I could have mohawked her pubes.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
