I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
