He had one of those small greek statue penises
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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