That's intense
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
smell my finger.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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