it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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