Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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