If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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