youre lurking in front of me
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
