Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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