I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
