I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
