Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Randomize
