I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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