at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
