I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
