I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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