Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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