I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
