So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
