Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
