i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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