Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I died a long time ago.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
