Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
