Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
