someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
