So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
