I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
