I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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