I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
