i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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