that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
