Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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