If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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