I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
