The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
