The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
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