he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
