Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
