why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
