I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Randomize
