I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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